You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i now understand why vodka
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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