Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
