Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
