Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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