checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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