dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
