Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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