Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
