His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
