I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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