I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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