So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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