shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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