I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
