Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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