Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
