Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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