I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
