i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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