i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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