i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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