I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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