If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
