My room smells like vodka and shame
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
