8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
