if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
