Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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