sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
