chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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