You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
