dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
