I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
