I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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