I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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