I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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