"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize