i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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