Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Randomize
