tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
