My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
