you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just want to make out with him forever
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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