He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
