Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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