I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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