i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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