she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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