Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
