the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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