I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
