you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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