Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
