I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
