Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize