i love accidental penises.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize