Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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