I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
