I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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