i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
