So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
