I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
